The Challenge of Free Will

 Travis and I have been married now for 7 1/2 years. I am not one of those people who believes there is one person out there for everyone, I tend to think there are many people one could marry and be happy with. That being said, I do not know if there is anyone else out there who would fit together so perfectly with me as Travis does. Yes, we are different, complete opposites in most things, but on the things that count we are dead on together most times. It is because of this blessing that I believe that God knew me, and he knew Travis, and he put us together because he had a special and unique purpose for us and our family.

 In our marriage we have gone through some challenging events, but we have also had some amazing blessings, such as our three precious little girls! Having children has really opened my eyes to Gods love. It's an unconditional love that you feel no matter what they do! At the end of the day, you love them and they love you. It is during my children's baby dedications that I felt Gods sovereignty and my utter lack of control in this life. Before that I would say, God I am willing, but then get fearful that He would ask me to do something I didn't want to or that He might take a child or Travis away, so even though I said our life was his I wasn't really surrendering to him at all! I liked my comfortable life, I liked going day to day without dramatic things happening. But really, God is in control, and whether I surrender my life to him or not he can still do as he chooses, and its much more beneficial for myself and my family that we submit to him. I took their dedications very seriously, I was saying not my will but yours Lord. That means whatever was to happen, it was in his hands and I was willing to give him that right in their lives. It makes me think of the story of Abram/Abraham. I am always challenged by the many struggles he went through and how he remained so faithful to God.

God asked Abram to take his family and move to an unknown country and Abram followed God's instructions (huge challenge in itself).  He watched Pharaoh make Sarai to be his wife (I can't imagine how hard THAT must have been). Then Abram rescues Lot, but he denies praise and gives it to God and will accept no reward because of an oath he made to God.  Because of his faithfulness God promises him many children (the guy is 99 years old) and God also changes his name to Abraham. The story goes on and on, and then it gets me. He finally had a son, named Isaac, and God asks him to take his son (his only son) go to Moriah and sacrifice him there as a burnt offering. Abraham got up the next morning saddled his donkey got his son and off they went. When they got there they chopped wood and he and Isaac walked up the hill. On the way Isaac asks his Dad, "the fire and the wood are here, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering? " To which Abraham replies "God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son" When they got to the alter he then tied up his son and laid him on top of the wood. Then he reached out his hand and took the knife to slay his son, but just then the angel of the Lord stopped him. He said "Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." They found a ram to sacrifice and their story goes on.

I hear this story and want to weep. I am reminded I am selfish, in the fact that I want to keep my family to myself. And I am an idoliter, in that I am almost positive I couldn't do that, so therefore I am choosing to put my family before God. The hard part in all of this, is God spoke to Abram, and he knew exactly what he was being asked to do. As much as there are times I know what God is asking of me, there are also those times when I am not sure. Sometimes I think God just doesn't care, we could do this or we could do that. Neither are dishonoring to him but he gives us the choice. These are the times that I question everything.  The challenge comes when I want to line up my selfish desires with what I think is most "kingdom bringing". I know that if from now to the day I died I did nothing extravagant for God he would still love me. And yet that is not enough for me. If anything, that fact makes me want to do more for him. But it comes down to the question am I willing? If I give Jayden fruit snacks, she has every right to eat them all. She is not expected to do anything but eat them, but if she looks at her sister and with a loving heart chooses to share them with her, it warms my heart. And even though she wasn't expected to do that, she chose to. I want to warm my heavenly fathers heart, and yet because I am human will always feel the battle between doing what I want and putting others before myself. The balance, for me, is a hard one to find at times.